ISIS, in an effort to seem even scarier, changes name to “Climate Change”

As Rush Limbaugh recently pointed out, ISIS actually does some nice things — when it’s not busy cutting off heads and slaughtering groups of innocent civilians.^[1]

For example, as reported in the New York Times, ISIS recently “reopened a luxury hotel in the city [Mosul] and offered three free nights to newlyweds, meals included.” They’re also busy “providing jobs in decimated economies; and projecting a rare sense of order in a region overwhelmed by conflict.”^[2]

Michael Weiss, author of ISIS: Inside the Army of Terror, adds: “They go around and inspect restaurants to make sure that their sanitary standards are being met. They have a social services program, health care. If you’re a member of ISIS, you have free health care.”^[1]

However, ISIS doesn’t want you to know about their good deeds. “This is harming our reputation,” says Bobby “Abdul” Buffington, an American citizen and former CIA stooge who is now the group’s deputy minister of propaganda. “People are going to start thinking we’re a bunch of bleeding-heart liberals! Look at all the arms I’m bearing. Do I look like a liberal to you?”

In an effort to preserve their horrible reputation, ISIS has hired the sleazy American public relations firm, Ketchum, best-known for trying to make Monsanto not look like the world’s most evil corporation. Notes the born-again jihadist Buffington, “If they can make Monsanto look good, it shouldn’t be too difficult to make us look bad.”

The first thing Ketchum did was to establish a permanent name for the group. “ISIS changes their name so often that it has been impossible for them to achieve any consistency with their brand,” explains Ketchum spokesperson, Carmen Beverly. “First it was ISIS, then it was ISIL, then it was Islamic State, then it was Da’esh. I mean, choose a freakin’ name already!”

In searching for a new name, the spin doctors at Ketchum were inspired by a New York Post headline that reads: “Prince Charles blames climate change for ISIS.” Sure enough, that’s pretty much what the heir to the throne told Sky News, a British media organization whose motto is “believe in better” — whatever that means.^[3]

So taking its cue from the Prince, Ketchum rebranded ISIS as “Climate Change.” The decision to choose that name was also firmly grounded by poll results. According to a recent survey by the Pew Research Center, Democrats in America believe Climate Change is a greater threat than ISIS. “Republicans are still very afraid of us,” notes the Islamo-fanatic Buffington, “but we’ve been losing Democrats faster than we can recruit suicide bombers. And that’s pretty fast!”^[4]

The new name Climate Change, it is hoped, will strike fear in Democrats, while giving the terrorists a strong brand, which is so essential to success these days.

In addition to the rebranding effort, Ketchum has hired Internet pioneer Al Gore to go on a cross-country tour, where he will whip up hysteria by declaring that Climate Change is even more of a threat than climate change. A white paper will also be circulated to all Democratic members of Congress, featuring scary quotes about Climate Change from noted liberals.

For example, the paper will contain this quote from Juan Cole, a Middle East expert from Michigan University, whose blog “Informed Comment” is popular with Democrats and other Marxists:

“They captured oil refineries and smuggle gasoline and kerosene to Turkey. They take hostages for ransom and store them in their desert ports until they receive payment. With regard to foreign hostages, if they aren’t paid, as is typically the case with US hostages, they execute them very publicly so as to increase the likelihood of payment for the next hostages. They actively seek hostages as a means of moneymaking. They also capture young women and engage in human trafficking and forms of sex slavery…”^[5]

And if the sex slavery doesn’t put the fear of Allah in the Democrats, there’s also this quote from Michael Weiss, the far left-leaning journalist previously mentioned in this report, who says:

“If you violate their laws, if you’re caught smoking cigarettes, if you’re caught drinking alcohol, they’ll put you in a cage in the center of Al Bab for three days. If they suspect you of being a spy for the coalition or some foreign power, they’ll cut your head off, put it on a stick in the middle of the town, and let it rot and suppurate there for several days.”^[1]

The title of the white paper sums it up: Climate Change Might Kill Everybody in the Future, But Climate Change Will Kill You Now.

Sources:

[1] RushLimbaugh.com

[2] NYTtimes.com

[3] NYPost.com

[4] People-Press.org

[5] JuanCole.com