The true story of the return of Brian Williams and the new plot to kill the Pope

The mendacious TV news anchor Brian Williams is back on the airwaves after a brutal six-month suspension, just in time to cover the American visit of Pope Francis, who has generated considerable controversy in this country with his anti-Christian stance against war and poverty.

“The pope scheduled his visit especially to coincide with my long-anticipated return,” announced Williams at the beginning of his broadcast, before inventing a story about his Catholic background: “Prior to getting into the news game, I seriously considered entering the seminary. If you don’t believe me you can ask my priest, Father Lovitz. Yeah, that’s the ticket!” Williams, whose professional trademark is embellishing his news reporting with self-serving fictions, was fired as anchor of the NBC Nightly News after one of his lies was found out by too many people.

When NBC was no longer able to suppress that particular fabrication, it launched an investigation into the matter, concluding that their debonair anchorman was indeed guilty of “misrepresent[ing] events which occurred while he was covering the 2003 Iraq War”— specifically, making up a story about being shot at in Iraq while flying in a military helicopter.^[1] A subsequent investigation by the network found that Williams had made a “number of inaccurate statements about his own role” in events he reported over the years and in June 2015.^[2] So they punished Williams severely by suspending him for six months without pay — forcing him make ends meet on the approximately $150 million in anchor-money they had paid him over the previous 10 years.

The mainstream media, with its characteristic passion for the truth, was quick to denounce Williams for flouting the norms of journalistic integrity. Only Rolling Stone was willing to cut him any slack. In an interview with that magazine after the scandal broke, Williams answered honestly for once. “As everybody knows, the only reason I got hired as the anchor of the NBC Nightly News is because I look like Peter Jennings,” he explained. “In my previous gig as the NBC White House correspondent, my job was to repeat presidential lies on national television, and it became such a habit that when I became anchorman I just kept on doing it. Plus, my good friend Jon Stewart was doing so well with his fake news Daily Show that I figured making up s#*t would help my ratings.”

Williams also bared his soul to fellow hard-hitting journalist Matt Lauer, admitting that he suffered from a debilitating case of ego-tripping. “It had to have been ego that made me think I had to be sharper, funnier, quicker than anybody else,” Williams actually said.^[3] Honing his comedic skills did bear fruit, however, leading to regular appearances on the Daily Show, where he and Jon Stewart dazzled the left-wing audience with their witty repartee.

Although his suspension is now over, he has been demoted to MSNBC, where he will be guaranteed last-place ratings while sharing the network spotlight with the world’s most annoying liberal, Rachel Maddow. In an email, this reporter asked Williams about his new lesbian colleague. “Rachel and I go way back,” Williams responded. “I’ve always been a big supporter of the LGBTQA community—even when it was just LGBT—and I was actually there at Rachel’s side when she first came out of the closet.”

Williams’ coverage of the pope’s American tour was unremarkable. However, he was granted the privilege of interviewing the pope aboard Shepherd One, on its flight back to the Vatican on Sunday. And that’s when things took a frightening twist.

“The pope and I were just chilling out, smoking Cuban cigars that he picked up from his visit with Fidel Castro, when the plane was suddenly hijacked by a terrorist who bore an uncanny resemblance to Mehmet Ali Agca,” said Williams, referring to the Islamofascist Turk who shot Pope John Paul II in 1981 as part of a Soviet-led conspiracy, according to CIA disinformation planted in Reader’s Digest and subsequently used by NBC for a nationally-broadcast documentary.^[4] “Thankfully, I was able to disarm the hijacker using a trick that Geraldo Rivera taught me, and we were able to continue safely to our destination.”

Before the flight was over, Williams had scored the papal interview as planned. “Being a devout Catholic, I have utmost respect for the holy father, but that didn’t keep me from asking the tough questions,” Williams bragged afterwards. “I pressed him hard on his involvement with the UN 2030 Agenda, and of course I asked if the Catholic Church was harboring any virtuous pedophiles—a politically correct subculture that I was reporting on long before Salon.com got into the act.”^[5]

The full Brian Williams interview with Pope Francis will air on MSNBC, pending approval of the Democratic National Committee.

For other breaking news stories on the eccentricities of television news personalities like Brian Williams, check out AlternativeNews.com

Sources:

[1] press.NBCNews.com

[2] NBCUniversal.com

[3] Money.cnn.com

[4] Amazon.com

[5] Salon.com