University of Florida announces SALE on academic scientists: buy one, get one FREE!

(NewsParody) The University of Florida, after being exposed as a diploma mill for Monsanto shills, has decided to stop fighting the issue of industry collusion and start embracing it for profit. Today, University President Kent Fuchs announced a “2-for-1 scientist sale,” promising a “buy one, get one free” special offer for industry to purchase its scientists.

The idea was put forth by Joel H Brendemuhl, Associate Dean and Professor of the College of Agricultural and Life Sciences, who said, “Since the whole world now knows our scientists are for sale, why not just embrace this innovative business model and cash in?”

University of Florida President Kent Fuchs promised Monsanto, Syngenta, DuPont and other chemical giants “direct influence over our university scientists and the academic credibility that comes with them.” He explained that University of Florida scientists are ready to serve as “on-call puppets” for whichever corporations provide the requested “unrestricted grants” to the university and its professors.

When accused of dignifying bribery and payola in academia, Fuchs insisted, “Bribes aren’t bribes if we call them unrestricted grants.”

Kevin Folta, a key figure in the University of Florida bribery and corruption scandal, was recently exposed for taking $25,000 from Monsanto, promising them a “solid return on investment” and telling Monsanto in an email, “I’m glad to sign on to whatever you like, or write whatever you like.”

Kevin Folta’s intellectual prostitution to the biotech industry is actually “one of our university’s best strengths,” insisted Fuchs. “Our academic scientists are admitted to our school with their hands around their ankles, ready to take it from the corporate donors who tell us what sort of science we should be conducting around here.”

The “buy 1 get 1 free” special on university scientists is good through the end of 2015, and monthly installment plans are available for smaller corporations that can’t afford the big dollars already paid to the University of Whorida by Monsanto, Syngenta and DuPont. University of Whorida scientists are standing by, waiting in their offices with their legs spread wide open, ready to serve as academic prostitutes for whatever corporate donors can pony up the cash.

The U of F is also scheduled to receive a “American Business Innovation Award” from President Obama for its breakthrough business model of whoring out scientists in exchange for corporate cash. President Obama, of course, received the Nobel Peace Prize right before bombing third world countries for “peace.”

Learn more about the University of Whorida at

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