Thursday, December 31, 2015 by Kevin Sanders
Kraft Foods, makers of Jell-O Pudding, and the Subway sandwich chain have teamed up in an effort to salvage something from the loss of their long-time spokesmen, Bill Cosby and Jared Fogle, respectively.
Cosby, formerly one of America’s most trusted father figures and now one of America’s most famous rapists, was charged with sexually assaulting a woman 12 years ago at his Philadelphia estate — just one in a long series of similar allegations over many years. The disgraced comedian and moralist is currently free on bail.
Fogle, who Subway successfully exploited as a “normal guy” who shed pounds by eating Subway sandwiches, was sentenced last month to more than 15 years in federal prison after pleading guilty to charges of child pornography and having sex with minors.
According to confidential sources within both companies, the collaboration will consist of a new product disgustingly called “Bedtime Footlong” — a 12-inch Subway sandwich, consisting of nitrite-rich bologna with Quaalude-laced Jell-O dressing. The Jell-O dressing will be available in two varieties: chocolate pudding and plain gelatin. Both will be infused with just enough of the Quaalude downer to make the sandwich-eating victim’s mind so messed up that their body doesn’t care what’s being done to it.
Rumor has it that the commercials for the new sandwich will revive Cosby’s old Jell-O pudding slogans “Yummy for the tummy,” “Thank you, mother dear,” and “Ummm, Jell-O pudding.” The wholesome African-American movie star and commercial spokesman Morgan Freeman said he had been approached to do the ads in place of Mr. Cosby, but turned down the offer on the grounds that it was, in his words, “the worst idea I have ever heard in my life.”
As for Jared Fogle, fresh off a successful American tour as part of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s “It’s Only A Little Prick” childhood vaccination campaign, admitted that the idea of the new sandwich excites him greatly and would love to do the ads, but is too busy getting ready for prison.
The famous American satirist, Tom Lehrer, who is often credited with having invented the vodka gelatin shot while employed by the National Security Agency to circumvent the restriction of alcoholic beverages on base, was asked what he thought about the new Bedtime Footlong.
“It’s very tasteless,” he said, “both literally and satirically.”