A confidential cabinet memo released by Deloitte today sensationally claims that the first reanimation of a cryogenically-frozen human has already taken place. The memo states that when Margaret Thatcher found herself frozen out by the Tory party during the 1990s, she chose to take the freezing process a step further, ready to come back to life when a cure had been found for consensus politics. An old lady lookalike with dementia took her place in the public eye and no one was any the wiser.
Article by Des Custard
When the true disaster of Brexit was revealed, namely that all the prospective leaders of the country were complete chumps, party insiders realised that an early thaw was the only way to avoid complete anarchy or even Jeremy Corbyn as PM. The defrosted body was in reasonable shape, and the antifreeze that had always run through its veins was quick to start flowing again, but the face had become haggard and unrecognisable. However, once a special adviser spotted a striking resemblance to the former Home Secretary, a forgettable woman with a mediocre track record, the way ahead became clear. The real Theresa May was pumped full of drugs and sent to a nursing home in Croydon while the Iron Lady returned as the Ice Maiden.
‘Maggie May’ was the only person in the country bloody minded enough to make Brexit work, and in a repeat of her first premiership has made sport of goading eurocrats while slowly gaining the support of the markets. Fears of fresh confrontations with the unions have been averted, because the only one still stuck in the 1980s is digging its own grave at Southern Rail anyway.
Other world figures considering cryogenic suspension include Hillary Clinton, who has been offered a substantial discount because she has been almost completely frozen since the start of her presidential campaign.
In a late development, the Guinness Book of Records has refused to recognise the successful thawing after correctly pointing out that Lady Thatcher was never fully human in the first place.