Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine:

(Article by TheOnion.com)

Children:

Nat Kaine—an active duty infantry officer in the United States Marine Corps—and two others

Previous Occupation:

Prospective vice presidential candidate

Years Spent Sort Of Blending Into Scenery:

58

Religious Views:

Weird kind of Catholic where you don’t let it affect your political decision-making

Likability:

It’s becoming increasingly clear this doesn’t matter

Favorite Food:

Plain

Relationship To Banks:

Committed, long-term

Childhood Dream:

To help shore up support among conservative Democrats and secure a pivotal swing state

Biggest Strength:

Can speak Spanish almost as well as the many actual Hispanic candidates Clinton could have chosen

Biggest Liability:

As Virginia governor, appointed Robert Bloxom as State Secretary of Agriculture and Forestry, and look how that shit-for-brains fucked everything up

Volunteer Work:

Has worked as missionary converting Hondurans and, more recently, undecided voters

Political Positions:

Please refer to HillaryClinton.com

Read more at: theonion.com