Tuesday, September 27, 2016 by newsparody
NEW LONDON, CT—Giving both nominees an equal opportunity to make their case, open-minded voter Jeremy Holcomb, 36, reportedly waited almost five minutes into Monday night’s presidential debate to decide which candidate had won. “Hillary brought her A-game tonight, and it’s pretty easy to see that she scored a clear victory over Trump,” said the thoughtful and evenhanded citizen at 9:05 p.m. Eastern Time, having reportedly considered roughly two minutes’ worth of statements made by each presidential nominee before declaring that Clinton had turned in a “dominant performance.” “Trump just couldn’t get his act together, while Hillary was very poised and presidential behind the podium. And her remarks on the economy [delivered during her opening statement, before the night’s first question had been posed to either candidate] totally sealed it for her. Trump really had no chance.” The fair-minded, judicious voter then reportedly posted a Facebook status update stating that Clinton’s strong showing was likely the “final nail in the coffin of Trump’s campaign” with 81 minutes left in the debate.
Read more at: theonion.com