WASHINGTON—Explaining that the negative consequences in the long term outweigh any short-term satisfaction, experts from the American Psychological Association issued a statement Friday advising individuals against picking up their laptop and throwing it as hard as they can across the office, even though doing so would feel absolutely incredible. “While going through with such an act is certain to provide subjects with feelings of elation, giddiness, and a sense of freedom, we recommend that the nation’s office workers do not stand up in a moment of fury, rip their laptop off their desk, chuck it across their workspace, and watch it smash into a wall,” read the advisory in part, noting that the positive emotional state resulting from using all one’s energy to hurl their computer over several rows of nearby cubicles is only temporary, while the repercussions are likely to be largely detrimental and long-lasting, ranging from the high likelihood of rendering one’s machine unusable, to the possibility of making coworkers feel unsafe, to the near certainty of being disciplined or terminated by one’s employer. “Although it would provide an exhilarating adrenaline rush like you’ve never felt before, whipping your laptop out the nearest window like a Frisbee or taking it in both hands and sending it tumbling wildly down a stairwell is not, ultimately, in the best interests of your personal or professional life. We also advise against repeatedly slamming your computer onto the surface of your desk while letting out an intense scream of rage, or even just angrily folding your laptop’s monitor all the way back until it snaps off in your hands, despite the sensation of pure ecstasy either action would immediately induce.” The report went on to encourage the nation’s workers to instead take a walk around the block to relieve their stress, even though it would feel like a huge fucking letdown.
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