President Obama, citing an obscure precedent under Sharia Law, granted former Subway spokesman and admitted sex-creep Jared Fogel an advance pardon, saving him from a near-certain lifetime membership in America’s prison-industrial-rape complex.
“As President, I have a duty to protect folks in prison from terrorists like Jared,” he explained. “He is obviously a very sick puppy, and like a rotten apple in a barrel, he will surely infect all the good apples like a virus if given the chance. I have therefore released him into the custody of the Centers for Disease Control.”
The CDC immediately appointed Jared to be the public face of its vaccination propaganda campaign, confident that the American public had been so dumbed-down by vaccines that they would forgive his perv-juice prowlings and focus solely on his awesome sandwich-dieting plan, which has almost single-handedly eradicated the plague of obesity from the face of the earth.
But just in case, Jared will be required to join Virtuous Pedophiles — an actual organization where child-lusting adults can “feel comfortable and get the support they need without the pressure to support sketchy views about adult-child sex.”
As part of the deal between Obama and the CDC, the fugitive pseudoscientist and fanatic embezzler Poul Thorsen, whose CDC-sponsored studies proved that the obvious link between vaccines and autism does not exist, will be extradited to the US from Denmark, where he is currently being held for ripping off American taxpayers so badly that several defense contractors have reportedly been mightily impressed.
Once back in the USA, all charges against Dr. Thorsen will be dropped, and he will be given a tenured professorship at Florida State University, while resuming his research duties with the CDC on the side. “Despite Dr. Thorsen’s pathological thievery, he is very popular with our corporate clients,” remarked CDC spokesman Zack Glickman. “When they tell us to ‘Thorsenize’ a study, we know exactly what they want.”
Meanwhile, as part of the CDC’s “It’s Only A Little Prick” childhood vaccination campaign, Jared will embark on a cross-country tour of elementary schools, where he will be exposing children to the facts about communicable diseases, and helping them overcome their natural fear of being poked. Adopting the standard pedagogical philosophy of learning-by-doing, younger children will be given the opportunity to “play doctor” by giving make-believe vaccine injections to Tickle Me Elmo and other Sesame Street puppets. To make it realistic, Jared will demonstrate how to give shots in the puppet buttocks, using Bert and Ernie as his consensual subjects. The CDC is quick to point out that there is absolutely no danger of Jared fondling their genitals, though, because they have none. As a Sesame Street representative actually once said, “Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics…they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation.”