Thursday, October 01, 2015 by Chris Draper
Officials are calling it the worst massacre since Jonestown. Big Bird, Kermit the Frog and little Miss Piggy, along with the rest of the Sesame Street crew, were found dead this morning at the cast cafeteria. Police investigators claim that the Swedish Chef, who is now in custody, deliberately poisoned the Sesame Street crew by serving them genetically modified organisms (GMOs).
The scene at the cast cafeteria resembles a horror scene straight out of a Stephen King novel. The bodies of dead muppets littered the lunch room floor. Officials concluded that Miss Piggy died of suffocation after discovering a half-eaten genetically modified apple in her mouth, as well as severe throat swelling and organ damage.
Big Bird appears to have died of a massive heart attack. His left wing was found clutched over his chest next to a spattered glass of milk at the scene. The autopsy report revealed that hormones from the genetically modified milk caused his breasts to swell, thereby leading to a massive heart attack. The poor bird collapsed under his own weight.
Kermit the Frog appears to have choked to death after consuming a genetically modified insect. Genes added to the bug inadvertently caused its wings to expand to twice their normal size. Consequently, Kermit the Frog couldn’t swallow the beast as it frantically tried to escape from his wind pipe.
The autopsy report revealed that all the remaining muppets were killed by the herbicides that coat genetically modified food. One of the muppets, the Cookie Monster, was found to have been killed by lung hemorrhaging after inhaling fumes from a Roundup-contaminated cookie.
The only muppet who escaped the debacle alive was Oscar the Grouch. Apparently, Oscar had built up an immunity to genetically modified food after eating garbage for so many years.
After intense questioning by investigators, the Swedish Chef revealed that Monsanto had paid him to poison the Sesame Street crew. The biotech giant wanted to use the muppet characters as a way to test their latest batch of genetically modified crops.
“I had no idea genetically modified food was coated with so many deadly pesticides,” said the Swedish Chef. “I don’t know how any of this stuff is legal.”