Tuesday, September 22, 2015 by Norman Smith
Amazon.com has announced that, effective immediately, it will begin selling aborted human baby heads to medical research institutions nationwide, guaranteeing ONE-HOUR delivery via autonomous airborne drones. Over 50 university medical programs already receive millions of dollars annually in NIH subsidies for fetal tissue research, and now they can take advantage of Amazon’s Prime Now plan, which for only $7.99 guarantees one-hour delivery of any desirable baby parts or organs, including livers, hearts, brains, arms and legs.
The human baby heads (known as “calvaria” in the trade) are being provided by a special arrangement with Planned Parenthood. “As part of our goal of promoting scientific advances with fetal tissue, we decided that partnering with a forward-looking business like Amazon would enable us to get more tissue to more scientists than is currently possible,” announced Planned Parenthood leader Cecile Richards at a press conference yesterday. “By leveraging Amazon’s marketing know-how with the gift of abortion, we’re going to cure diseases like cancer, Alzheimer’s and diabetes before you know it.”
The only thing standing in the way of breakthrough cures, Richards said, was a “shortage of abortions” caused by selfish women who are compromising the betterment of society by greedily keeping their babies for themselves.
To meet the anticipated increased demand in human baby heads, Amazon will be expanding Planned Parenthood franchises in select liberal cities across America, under the new name “Amazon Women’s Health Clinics.” As a premium offer to new customers, all moms who abort their babies at these new clinics will receive Amazon.com gift cards worth 10% off their next purchase, and every partial-birth abortion will earn a free Kindle.
In addition, patients who get abortions at the Amazon clinics in the Athens, Georgia, and Oxford, Mississippi, locations will also get a free Confederate flag (made in China). As Mr. Bezos explains, “We have a huge backstock of Confederate paraphernalia that we no longer sell online because it offended some people, so this is a great opportunity to get rid of those distasteful, un-American products and make room for additional inventory, like simulated rape contraptions and other popular bondage gear.”
According to a secret recording of a leading fetal processing expert, dead baby neural tissue is “insanely fragile.” Therefore, each head will be packaged for shipment by very gentle “abortion robots” who look exactly like Jeff Bezos. And to expedite shipment, each carefully packed baby head will be delivered fresh off the abortion assembly line via Amazon’s specially equipped fleet of CIA-supplied drones. If the heads take longer than an hour to arrive, the delivery drone will be free to keep. (Drone Assassination Retrofit Kit available separately.)
“Our goal is to deliver aborted baby parts so quickly after the abortion that their hearts are sometimes still beating!” explained Mr. Bezos while breaking ground at Amazon’s new Calvarium Fulfillment Center in Austin, Texas. “What better way to keep Austin weird?” quipped Cecile Richards, whose mother Ann was governor of Texas from 1991 to 1995.
Mr. Bezos emphasized that the new partnership with Planned Parenthood is about more than just profits. “We are committed to pioneering the kind of real science that can be derived only from aborted human baby heads,” he said. A new state-of-the-art facility, to be named The Amazon Institute of Serious Medical Research, is under development for that purpose, and is scheduled to be fully functional in time for the next war on Christmas.