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Hillary Clinton

10/31/2016 / By newsparody

Anthony Weiner Sends Apology Sext To Entire Clinton Campaign

BROOKLYN, NY—In response to the FBI’s announcement that its investigation of him had produced new evidence that could pertain to its probe of the Democratic presidential nominee, Anthony Weiner reportedly sent an apology sext early Monday morning to the entire Hillary Clinton campaign. “Just wanted u 2 know I am so so sorry for the […]

10/04/2016 / By newsparody

Tim Kaine Forced To Drink Ipecac After Eating Sheet Of ‘I’m With Her’ Stickers

APPLETON, WI—Acting quickly to induce vomiting, members of Hillary Clinton’s campaign staff confirmed Thursday that they forced Tim Kaine to drink syrup of ipecac after the Democratic vice presidential nominee ate an entire sheet of “I’m With Her” stickers. “We didn’t even notice Tim had gotten into the stickers until he had already swallowed at […]

10/03/2016 / By newsparody

Clinton Delivers Stump Speech In Moscow Warehouse In Effort To Appeal To Russian Hackers

MOSCOW—Emphasizing that she understood their concerns and was committed to addressing them as president, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton delivered an impassioned stump speech in an unmarked warehouse on the outskirts of Moscow Friday in an effort to appeal to Russian hackers. “Each one of you here today and all those like you around this great […]

09/29/2016 / By JD Heyes

20 Things more trustworthy than Hillary Clinton

In some quarters – and in both major political parties – there are those who believe that Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton won the first debate with her Republican opponent, billionaire Donald J. Trump. On the surface, Clinton certainly appeared to be the more polished, well-rehearsed of the two candidates. Trump seemed to be on […]

09/22/2016 / By newsparody

Blindfolded Clinton Invites Debate Coaches To Attack Her With Talking Points From All Sides

NEW YORK—Standing slightly crouched with her fists raised up in front of her in the middle of her campaign office’s mock stage, a blindfolded Hillary Clinton reportedly implored her high-level staffers to attack her with talking points from all sides Wednesday in preparation for next week’s first presidential debate. “Let’s do this—I want all of […]

09/19/2016 / By newsparody

Newly Redesigned HillaryClinton.com Allows Users To Fully Customize Issues Page To Suit Own Preferences

BROOKLYN, NY—Saying the new interface will help voters learn more about the candidate and her platform, campaign sources confirmed Wednesday that HillaryClinton.com, the official website of the Democratic presidential nominee, is now fully customizable, allowing visitors to change Clinton’s stance on any given issue so that it reflects their own political beliefs. Article by The.Onion […]

09/14/2016 / By newsparody

Pneumonia Virus Terrified After Remembering What Clintons Capable Of

WASHINGTON—Expressing regret over its reckless decision to infect the Democratic presidential nominee, the virus causing Hillary Clinton’s pneumonia was reportedly terrified Monday after remembering what the Clintons were capable of. “Oh shit, what the hell was I thinking—you don’t get on the wrong side of these people,” said the infectious agent, which became increasingly worried […]

09/01/2016 / By newsparody

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts. “Shortly after we arrived, Tim managed to get out of our sight, […]

08/31/2016 / By newsparody

Clinton Debunks Rumors About Health By Telling Audience Exact Day She Will Die

PENSACOLA, FL—Addressing recent allegations that she is physically unfit to serve in the Oval Office, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, 68, debunked rumors about her health Monday by telling the audience at a campaign rally the exact day she will die. “To those who say I’m not able-bodied enough to be president, let me respond: […]

08/24/2016 / By newsparody

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters. (Article by The Onion) Iraq War A large number of voters are unable to forgive Clinton’s support for the invasion […]

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