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11/29/2016 / By newsparody

Poll: 78% Of Americans Hope Cataclysmic Event Wiping Out Humanity Will Have Big Tidal Wave

WASHINGTON—Saying respondents were adamant that any such phenomenon be extremely tall and move with incredible speed, a Pew Research Center poll released Monday found that 78 percent of Americans hope that whatever event ultimately wipes out humanity will feature a gigantic tidal wave. “According to our data, more than three quarters of U.S. citizens want […]

11/03/2016 / By newsparody

Nation Puts 2016 Election Into Perspective By Reminding Itself Some Species Of Sea Turtles Get Eaten By Birds Just Seconds After They Hatch

WASHINGTON—Saying they felt anxious and overwhelmed just days before heading to the polls to decide a historically fraught presidential race, Americans throughout the country reportedly took a moment Thursday to put the 2016 election into perspective by reminding themselves that some species of sea turtles are eaten by birds just seconds after they hatch. “I’ve […]

07/14/2016 / By newsparody

Obama Signs Conservation Act To Preserve Nation’s Last Remaining Area Of Common Ground

WASHINGTON—Taking action to protect the rapidly dwindling vital resource, President Barack Obama signed an executive order Wednesday that would preserve the last remaining expanse of common ground in the nation. “America’s common ground is one of our country’s most valuable assets, and one that is under threat today like never before,” said Obama during a […]

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