News Parody /newsparody Real Subjects, Fake News Tue, 24 Jan 2017 23:22:08 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Exciting New App Allows Users To Be Pawns In 26-Year-Old CEO’s Little Game /newsparody/2017-01-04-exciting-new-app-allows-users-to-be-pawns-in-26-year-old-ceos-little-game /newsparody/2017-01-04-exciting-new-app-allows-users-to-be-pawns-in-26-year-old-ceos-little-game#respond Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 SAN FRANCISCO—Having already been downloaded millions of times by consumers eager to get in on the phenomenon, an exciting new app released this week reportedly allows users to become pawns in some 26-year-old tech CEO’s little game. “Yeah, it’s really cool [how I’m being intentionally manipulated by a young Silicon Valley billionaire who considers me nothing more than a lab rat in some little social experiment he cooked up],” said Kansas City resident Harrison Lerner, 36, explaining how he had already introduced the app that has made him a mere plaything of the 2013 college graduate to several of his friends. “It has a lot of awesome features [that record my personal information and behavior patterns and then put this data to use without my knowledge]. I’m seriously using this thing all the time [to the endless delight of the immensely powerful twenty something whose ultimate designs I will never be made aware of].” At press time, the app was acquired by a large technology conglomerate in a move that will reportedly enable users to be manipulated in a far more elaborate game by a group of even richer individuals.

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How Donald J. Trump saved Christmas from intergalactic aliens (SATIRE) /newsparody/2016-12-18-how-donald-j-trump-saved-christmas-from-intergalactic-aliens-satire /newsparody/2016-12-18-how-donald-j-trump-saved-christmas-from-intergalactic-aliens-satire#respond Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 (SATIRE – This weekend satire piece is for entertainment purposes only and references mature themes. If you are offended, go scream for your mommy…)

Natural News can now confirm that it wasn’t the Russians who stole the election for Donald Trump… it was aliens from planet Cockamamie in the Libtard Nebula, according to CNN sources that have chosen to remain anonymous because they also imagine they work for the CIA.

According to these sources, planet Cockamamie suffered a devastating population collapse due to economic restrictions thrust upon them by the galactic climate change cultists known as “AlGorians.” Following a mass starvation catastrophe caused by the Cockamamie Senate banning fossil fuels without having any energy replacement ready, Cockamamians found themselves needing to repopulate their planet with fresh organic specimens harvested from across the cosmos.

Hence their trip to Earth, a planet that was once believed to also suffer from mass starvation until televised signals of Michael Moore were captured and analyzed by Cockamamian scientists. Suddenly, Earth was heralded by distant civilizations as a “grand cosmic buffet” of processed food calories and incredibly disconnected leftist who seemed to already be living on another planet anyway.

California, in particular, was chosen as the first landing site because the state’s massive “Safe Space” sign can be observed from high orbit, and the aliens thought it was an invitation to freely engage in “open borders” cattle probing or anal mutilations… or perhaps the other way around.

Thus, shortly before Election Day, large metallic dildo-shaped craft shimmering with LGBTQ rainbow light displays were observed hovering over San Francisco… or at least that’s what the warehouse cult rave party survivors tweeted. According to reports, the dildo-shaped UFOs targeted high-density apartment complexes to ensure the harvesting of a high percentage of liberals who might feel more at home on planet Cockamamie, whose policies almost exactly parallel those of San Francisco, where homeless people are openly allowed to defecate on the sidewalks but never allowed to accept homemade food from gracious citizens due to the city-wide “food safety crackdown.”

Suddenly the dildo craft sprang into action. In a mesmerizing flash, millions of Californicators were beamed up to the dildo UFOs, where they were efficiently subjected to a battery of mental and physical tests. In one relentless test, gender-fluid grey humanoids (“CockaTransaMamians”) used oral, nasal and anal voltage stimulators to determine the biological resiliency of human subjects. To the shock of the greys, some San Franciscan captives actually enjoyed the experience and begged for more. Astonished, the CockaTransaMamians ejected them from captivity and teleported them into Starbucks coffee shops to serve as hyperstimulated faggoty baristas who immediately began berating customers with tales of “sexual escapades with 50 shades of Greys.”

Other humans were found to be too stupid to survive on planet Cockamamie, so they were dropped off at the county courthouse and encouraged to run for political office or even lead the DNC.

Deeper in the bowels of the alien mothership, left-wing commentator Keith Olbermann was observed being apparently molested by CockaTransaMamians who tried to apply a brain scan helmet to his butt cheeks while milking his nose for DNA samples. It turns out they couldn’t tell Keith’s head from his ass and had the guy completely upside down.

After realizing their error, they tried to make amends by installing a “Russian conspiracy” program into his feeble brain and using a Men-In-Black flashy thingy to wipe his memory… which also happened to make him an even better news teleprompter reader for Earth’s propaganda fake news networks. Now, as you can observe on his broadcasts, Keith Olbermann fully realizes he was violated but can’t remember why… but he’s certain the Russians did something nefarious to his rectum and he thinks it might have been a poo coup.

Meanwhile, all the captive space-faring Democrats tried to wage a “soft coup” takeover of the Cockamamian mothership, first by demanding a democratic vote on who should be running the ship, then rigging the vote by recirculating people who already voted to the back of the voting line to make sure they could vote a second time. But they got caught by the greys, whom the Democrats quickly condemned as “illegal aliens,” much to the amusement of those on board who were actual aliens. The Democrats got overruled, at which point they all started to scream for mommy and began leaping out of the docking bays, mistaking the “WARNING: SPACE” signs for “SAFE SPACE” indicators.

It turns out that in outer space, no one can hear you scream “WAAAAAHHH!”

As the Democrats remaining inside the dildo alien UFO screamed and sobbed and demanded hot cocoa to soothe their trauma, the greys began to second guess the wisdom in transplanting such pathetic creatures who were obviously incapable of survival in a dynamic universe. Even the Cockamamie education system on planet Cockamamie might be too advanced for these failed specimens, the greys quickly realized, so they decided to jettison the crybabies in Venezuela, where they are now eating out of garbage dumpsters and enjoying their “equality” under a failed left-wing state where everybody is equally miserable, thus solving the “inequality” problem once and for all.

Thanks to the missing Democrats, Donald Trump was elected President. As his first official intergalactic act, he opened a negotiation with the Cockamamians to ask them the most important question to help Make America Great Again: “How many more Democrats can you please remove from Earth on your next harvesting run?”

Their answer? “Hell no! We’ll go somewhere else.”

And that, my friends, is how Donald J. Trump saved Christmas from intergalactic aliens.

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City Of Chicago Working Around Clock To Clear 18 Inches Of Bullet Casings From Streets /newsparody/2016-12-08-city-of-chicago-working-around-clock-to-clear-18-inches-of-bullet-casings-from-streets /newsparody/2016-12-08-city-of-chicago-working-around-clock-to-clear-18-inches-of-bullet-casings-from-streets#respond Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

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Sources at the city’s Department of Streets and Sanitation confirmed that over 250 ammunition-removal vehicles had been deployed to deal with the knee-deep layer of spent cartridges, which have been steadily accumulating on Chicago’s streets, alleys, and pedestrian walkways since the previous evening.

“Our crews have been out there all night trying to make our roadways passable, but given how quickly the handgun and semi-automatic shells have piled up, it’s going to take some time,” DSS commissioner Charles L. Williams told reporters, thanking the public for its patience while crews made their way across the stricken municipality. “We’re making good headway, but as you can imagine, it’s not an easy job, especially with casings continuing to fall throughout the city.”

“So unless you have an emergency, we’re urging all citizens to stay put for the time being,” he added. “Right now, it’s just not safe to be out in such treacherous conditions.”

Williams stated that as casing levels surpassed 12 inches, scores of extra workers from outside the city were called in to help keep pace with the buildup. In addition, numerous dump truck crews have reportedly been tasked with carting off entire trailers full of cartridges from the hardest-hit areas and depositing them in nearby landfills before circling back to pick up more.

According to sources, by the morning rush hour, over 300 public and private schools in the Chicago area had been either closed or delayed due to concerns over the large amounts of ammunition covering the city. Citing increased hazards, officials further advised residents to stay off back streets and avoid venturing out at night.

“Man, it’s brutal out there,” said Paul Bergeron, 34, a resident of the Lawndale neighborhood on Chicago’s West Side, showing reporters where plows had piled up over nine feet of empty casings in the parking lot of the grocery store across from his apartment. “I ran out to Walgreens, and on my way back, I nearly took a spill trudging through all the .40-caliber shells—I just wanted to get home as quickly as possible.”

“Growing up in Kansas, I never saw anything nearly like this, but it is what it is,” he continued. “When you’re living here, you learn to deal with the bullets and adjust your life accordingly.”

Some locals, however, have complained that the areas receiving priority attention from the city’s plows were not consistent with those that had been most severely affected. In Chicago’s western and southern neighborhoods, for example, eyewitnesses reported that cartridges had risen as high as some first-floor windows, making it difficult for the occupants to even open their front doors.

“The plows always seem to get to the rich neighborhoods first, that’s for sure,” said Gloria Hawkins, 53, a lifelong resident of the South Side community of Auburn Gresham. “Down here, you have no choice but to go out there into the ammo and shovel your car out yourself. It can be pretty frustrating when things are really bad out, because by the time you finish clearing the walk in front of your house, there’s already an inch or two of fresh bullet casings piling up where you started.”

“But we’ll get through it, just like we always do,” Hawkins continued. “This city is very much used to this sort of thing.”

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Reason Man Turning To Religion Later In Life Must Be Horrifying /newsparody/2016-12-08-reason-man-turning-to-religion-later-in-life-must-be-horrifying /newsparody/2016-12-08-reason-man-turning-to-religion-later-in-life-must-be-horrifying#respond Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 STROUDSBURG, PA—Saying the middle-aged man had adopted a devout life of piety seemingly out of nowhere, acquaintances of local resident Paul D’Amato reported Friday that the reason he was turning to religion later in life must be completely horrifying. “He just started going to church for the very first time a couple months ago even though he’s 49 years old, and now he wears a cross and everything—boy, you’ve got to think it was something pretty terrible that made him religious at this point,” said coworker Jessica Redmond, who explained that because D’Amato was all of a sudden attending multiple services per week and now often peppers his conversations with mentions of the light that Jesus provides to his life, the cause of his religious awakening was almost certainly “really, really bad.” “The guy’s nearly 50, and now he finds God right out of the blue? I bet it’s something with drugs. Or maybe he killed someone in a car accident. Either way, something super messed up happened to him.” At press time, speculation about D’Amato’s circumstances had grown more rampant after sources confirmed he had volunteered to read a passage from Ephesians about forgiveness and redemption during last week’s services at the local Presbyterian church.

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Why Westerners Join ISIS /newsparody/2016-12-01-why-westerners-join-isis /newsparody/2016-12-01-why-westerners-join-isis#respond Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Why Westerners Join ISIS

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Poll: 78% Of Americans Hope Cataclysmic Event Wiping Out Humanity Will Have Big Tidal Wave /newsparody/2016-11-29-poll-78-of-americans-hope-cataclysmic-event-wiping-out-humanity-will-have-big-tidal-wave /newsparody/2016-11-29-poll-78-of-americans-hope-cataclysmic-event-wiping-out-humanity-will-have-big-tidal-wave#respond Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 WASHINGTON—Saying respondents were adamant that any such phenomenon be extremely tall and move with incredible speed, a Pew Research Center poll released Monday found that 78 percent of Americans hope that whatever event ultimately wipes out humanity will feature a gigantic tidal wave. “According to our data, more than three quarters of U.S. citizens want the apocalyptic disaster that brings about the end of our species to come in the form of a colossal wave rushing rapidly toward the shore that runs the length of the horizon and is of such a tremendous height that it blots out the sun,” said lead researcher Hector Collins, who noted that survey participants expressed no preference between a magnitude-20 undersea earthquake or an enormous asteroid slamming into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, as long as the underlying cause of humanity’s extinction generated a massive tsunami that swept across the entire world. “Of those in favor of a catastrophic tidal bore hitting the Eastern Seaboard before flowing across the whole North American continent, over 70 percent said that the immense wave should submerge the Empire State Building up to the needle, while about 85 percent expressed the urge to see full-size ocean liners tossed around by the wave as if they were toys. Additionally, respondents were nearly unanimous in their desire to see the entire city of Boston completely underwater on television, run outside, and yell ‘It’s coming!’ as the shadow of the gargantuan wave crept over them.” Researchers added, however, that respondents were divided over whether the cataclysmic tidal wave should leave small bands of survivors to fend for themselves in a grim post-apocalyptic landscape or simply obliterate the human race instantly.

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Cryogenically frozen Margaret Thatcher returns as ‘Maggie May’ /newsparody/2016-11-28-cryogenically-frozen-margaret-thatcher-returns-as-maggie-may /newsparody/2016-11-28-cryogenically-frozen-margaret-thatcher-returns-as-maggie-may#respond Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 A confidential cabinet memo released by Deloitte today sensationally claims that the first reanimation of a cryogenically-frozen human has already taken place. The memo states that when Margaret Thatcher found herself frozen out by the Tory party during the 1990s, she chose to take the freezing process a step further, ready to come back to life when a cure had been found for consensus politics. An old lady lookalike with dementia took her place in the public eye and no one was any the wiser.

Article by Des Custard

When the true disaster of Brexit was revealed, namely that all the prospective leaders of the country were complete chumps, party insiders realised that an early thaw was the only way to avoid complete anarchy or even Jeremy Corbyn as PM. The defrosted body was in reasonable shape, and the antifreeze that had always run through its veins was quick to start flowing again, but the face had become haggard and unrecognisable. However, once a special adviser spotted a striking resemblance to the former Home Secretary, a forgettable woman with a mediocre track record, the way ahead became clear. The real Theresa May was pumped full of drugs and sent to a nursing home in Croydon while the Iron Lady returned as the Ice Maiden.

‘Maggie May’ was the only person in the country bloody minded enough to make Brexit work, and in a repeat of her first premiership has made sport of goading eurocrats while slowly gaining the support of the markets. Fears of fresh confrontations with the unions have been averted, because the only one still stuck in the 1980s is digging its own grave at Southern Rail anyway.

Other world figures considering cryogenic suspension include Hillary Clinton, who has been offered a substantial discount because she has been almost completely frozen since the start of her presidential campaign.

In a late development, the Guinness Book of Records has refused to recognise the successful thawing after correctly pointing out that Lady Thatcher was never fully human in the first place.

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Area Liberal No Longer Recognizes Fanciful, Wildly Inaccurate Mental Picture Of Country He Lives In /newsparody/2016-11-23-area-liberal-no-longer-recognizes-fanciful-wildly-inaccurate-mental-picture-of-country-he-lives-in /newsparody/2016-11-23-area-liberal-no-longer-recognizes-fanciful-wildly-inaccurate-mental-picture-of-country-he-lives-in#respond Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 CHICAGO—Expressing dismay and confusion over voters selecting Donald Trump as the next president of the United States, area liberal Ryan Garlock reportedly told a group of his friends Wednesday that he no longer recognizes his fanciful, wildly inaccurate mental picture of the country he lives in. “This just isn’t the America I know,” said Garlock, adding that the broad national support for a candidate who openly expresses misogynistic, racist, and authoritarian views had caused him to call into question everything he thought he knew about his spectacularly unrealistic, wholly imaginary conception of the nation he calls home. “I just can’t believe that almost 60 million people would vote for someone who called immigrants rapists and attacked women and disabled people. The America [selectively constructed from my own experiences and personal values, and which only exists in my mind] that I love would never do that.” At press time, Garlock’s sentiments were reportedly echoed by all 1,273 of his Facebook friends.

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What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline /newsparody/2016-11-23-what-you-need-to-know-about-the-dakota-access-pipeline /newsparody/2016-11-23-what-you-need-to-know-about-the-dakota-access-pipeline#respond Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000 Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

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Q: What is the Dakota Access Pipeline?

A: A proposed 1,172-mile crude oil pipeline that would carry 470,000 barrels of oil a day to wildlife habitats, Native American cultural sites, and drinking water sources across four different states.

Q: Who are the Standing Rock Sioux?

A: A tribe of Native Americans who foolishly decided to settle in the path of the proposed pipeline centuries ago.

Q: Why are people protesting the pipeline’s construction?

A: Many are fringe activists who actually believe Earth’s environment hasn’t already been destroyed beyond repair.

Q: Who are the protesters?

A: The only obstacle between you and getting gas for $2 a gallon.

Q: How long have the protests been going on?

A: Long enough for you to have learned more about them by now.

Q: Who supports construction of the Dakota Access Pipeline?

A: Oil companies; large corporations; your own unsustainable consumption habits.

Q: Couldn’t the pipeline simply be rerouted through another area?

A: Not without bringing it closer to people who the government actually cares about.

Q: What animals can we expect to see covered in oil if the pipeline ruptures into the Missouri River?

A: Red-throated loons, American badgers, interior terns, and harlequin ducks, just to name a few.

Q: Aren’t there alternatives to our continued reliance on fossil fuels?

A: Nothing that isn’t reliant on the fanciful, futuristic technology of the 1970s.

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Lego refuse to build Trump’s wall /newsparody/2016-11-17-lego-refuse-to-build-trumps-wall /newsparody/2016-11-17-lego-refuse-to-build-trumps-wall#respond Wed, 30 Nov -0001 00:00:00 +0000

Under the hashtag ‘StopFundingHate’ the Danish firm have ceased collaboration with Republicans, The Daily Mail and James Corden’s agent. Citing ethical reasons, the toy manufacturer said they would continue to make Star Wars-themed Death Stars but had declined to Donald Trump’s request for a ‘full-sized’ one.

Article by Wrenfoe

Despite being the nemesis of bare feet everywhere, Lego were keen to distance themselves from any negative publicity – withdrawing from plans for a Lego Boko Haram ‘Adventure Playground’, Lego Kim Jong-Un with Missile Launcher and Lego Mrs Brown’s Boys ‘House of Fun’. Instead their focus will be on a ‘Brexit Box of Bricks'; which lacks any plan and, despite promises on the packaging, can not be used to build any hospitals whatsoever.

Lego’s rejection leaves Mr. Trump no choice but to assemble his 2,000 mile wall out of pulped copies of the Koran; held together with ‘whatever the hell’ he uses as hair glue. Sadly Mexico had already agreed to pay for the construction costs, but, like most parents this Christmas, had balked at the material cost of using Lego.

Meanwhile The Daily Mail will no longer give away toys but will continue to dispense fear for free. Likewise Mr. Trump has said he will keep his election promises without Lego; replacing Obamacare with ‘Doc McStuffins’, waterboarding with ‘Super Soakers’ and any non-compliant women with ‘Barbie’ – or Ivana as she is known.

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