Thursday, November 03, 2016 by newsparody
WASHINGTON—Saying they felt anxious and overwhelmed just days before heading to the polls to decide a historically fraught presidential race, Americans throughout the country reportedly took a moment Thursday to put the 2016 election into perspective by reminding themselves that some species of sea turtles are eaten by birds just seconds after they hatch. “I’ve been worrying so much lately about what will happen on Election Day that I finally just made myself pause, take a deep breath, and remember there are some sea turtles out there who, immediately after hatching, get eaten by pelicans before they can even crawl from the beach into the ocean, and that allowed me to calm down a bit and place this whole election into proper context,” said 49-year-old Ellen Weaver of Binghamton, NY, who, like tens of millions of her fellow citizens, coped with the stress brought on by tightening polls, nonstop media coverage, and the candidates’ last-minute attacks on one another by repeatedly telling herself that of the 50 to 200 baby sea turtles born to one nest, it is a rarity if even one or two survive, as research indicates that only one in 1,000 hatchlings will make it to adulthood. “Even though I’m afraid of how this might turn out and have serious doubts about whether our country can continue functioning after all this, I know that loggerhead turtles incubate inside their eggs for around two months, and more often than not, the very moment they emerge into the world to begin their lives, they’re scooped up in a vulture’s beak and swallowed whole alongside many of their brothers and sisters. When you take a step back and really consider that even if these turtles do make it to the water, they’ll then have to spend the next few years of their lives hoping they don’t get eaten by any number of fish while they’re being pulled around by currents until they’re large enough to swim to shore on their own, you start to see the election with clearer eyes.” After pondering the sea turtles’ fate for several more minutes, the nation reportedly began to feel less comforted and started growing jealous that the turtles at least get to have everything be over with quickly.
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