BROOKLYN, NY—In response to the FBI’s announcement that its investigation of him had produced new evidence that could pertain to its probe of the Democratic presidential nominee, Anthony Weiner reportedly sent an apology sext early Monday morning to the entire Hillary Clinton campaign. “Just wanted u 2 know I am so so sorry for the mess I caused everybody,” read the first of several group text messages that Weiner sent to over two dozen top campaign staffers between the hours of 1 a.m. and 2 a.m., a series that reportedly also included a grainy close-up photograph of the former congressman’s right nipple, several images of his erect penis protruding from his boxer briefs, and a fully nude selfie taken in front of a bathroom mirror on which he had written the phrase “I’m a bad boy” in lipstick. “U know I’d do just about anything to patch things up. I just hope nobody over there wants to give me a spanking! So hard right now.” At press time, sources confirmed that Weiner was speaking to the angry father of the 13-year-old girl whose number is reportedly one digit off from that of Clinton campaign manager John Podesta.
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