Tuesday, September 15, 2015 by newsparody
We’ve all seen countless articles on tips for preparedness, but I’ve never seen an article providing tips and skills to those who refuse to prepare. (This article is outrageous, politically incorrect satire. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya…)
Why shouldn’t anti-preppers have lists, too? After all, they are going to need to learn a vast array of dangerous and totally gross new skills to survive, such as standing in food lines, looting retail stores and giving BJs in barter for medicine.
Frankly, I think all of us in the prepper community have been a bit discriminatory in not providing “unpreparedness lists” for all those who plan to be unprepared. After all, their necessary skills are much more difficult to master than ours! It’s way more difficult, for example, to learn how to give BJs for food than it is to just store some extra food in the first place, so the anti-preppers really have their work cut out for them. They need to start training now!
It might also be useful for them to engage in “anti-prepper foreign exchange programs” where clueless city-dwelling liberal Americans who think socialism is awesome are flown to Venezuela for a few months, where they get to witness a collapsing socialist utopia in its full glory (while learning unpreparedness skills they can use back home in the coming collapse).
In the hope of helping anti-preppers acquire the skills they need to be fully unprepared, I’ve assembled this list of extremely useful unpreparedness skills they can start learning and practicing right now.
As Venezuelan citizens have rudely discovered, your No. 1 activity in a collapse will be standing in line. Not just one line, mind you, but lots of different lines.
First, there’s the FEMA line where they don’t give you food.
Then there’s another line for medication at the hospital where they don’t give you medication.
You’ll also need to find a line for government-issued water (sanitized with chlorine, of course), government-issued toilet paper and government-issued newspapers that keep you informed of what an amazing job the government is doing of keeping you standing in lines.
Fortunately for you, the government is already preparing a nationwide network of comfortable camps for anti-preppers, where you can concentrate your work efforts to help the government in exchange for food and protection. These are sort of like summer camps, but they will operate year-round. These resort-like “vacation camps” are run by FEMA, which upholds essentially the same comfort standards as the Hyatt Regency.
After you’re done standing in line, you’ll discover that the government isn’t really prepared to help you. Then, you’ll resort to looting retail establishments, joining with all the other looters who have arrived at the same conclusion.
Unfortunately for you, only the very first looters get the loot, and the first looters are going to be the more street-wise people (gangs, hoodlums, etc.) who are technically far more informed about how quickly society can collapse.
TIP: How to tell the difference between looting geniuses and looting morons: The geniuses are the ones taking the medical supplies. The morons are the ones stealing big screen TVs.
Unless you start looting immediately, you will be too late to loot anything of much value. While everyone else will have looted items of real barter value — tampons, coffee, bottled water and ammo — you’ll be stuck with a store full of holiday gift cards, portable MP3 players and useless iPhones.
Hence the need to brush up on your looting skills ahead of time. How do you accomplish that? Buy a hoodie and move to Ferguson, Missouri, then wait for another riot to begin. Once the looting begins, dash for the nearest pharmacy and steal some stuff! (Be sure to set fire to it on your way out, because burning up local businesses is just another way to demonstrate how much you’re totally committed to social justice.)
If you’re not used to going without food — and you refuse to store any — you may want to practice fasting.
Just to be clear on the definitions:
“Fasting” is the term used to describe intentional starvation.
“Starvation” is the term used to describe unintentional fasting.
Anti-preppers need to become familiar with starvation ahead of time so that it’s not such a shock to their system when the starvation begins.
An easy way to practice this is to just stop eating for a few days at a time and see what happens. (Drink water, obviously, or you’ll die and be turned into human jerky, see below.)
If you find that you don’t like starvation and don’t wish to participate in practicing it, then you may wish to store some damn food so that you don’t have to starve when things go wrong in society.
Heck, who needs emergency food storage when there’s already so much food walking around at the office?
Yep, cannibalism is the last-ditch food storage strategy for the chronically unprepared.
Unfortunately for vegans and clean food enthusiasts, human meat is heavily contaminated with mercury, lead, cadmium and toxic chemicals — mostly due to all the vaccines, toxic personal care products and contaminated food that people eat. I’m not even sure that human jerky would pass USDA inspection standards for beef… and those inspection standards aren’t very stringent to begin with.
But human meat is “free range” and “fair trade,” so it’s probably worthy of eating anyway. (It’s definitely not Non-GMO Project Verified, unfortunately, as most buffet-munching obese Americans have essentially been raised on the same GM corn grain used to fatten cows.)
Nevertheless, if you’re an anti-prepper, you may want to acquire an Excalibur food dehydrator now — a device you’ll need to make human jerky sticks that you can barter for other necessities. If the grid is down, you’ll need a solar-powered food dehydrator, so you might want to start building that now. BONUS: If you use solar power to make human jerky, it’s eco-friendly human jerky!
Once all this is in place, all you need is human flesh. Fortunately, thanks to Planned Parenthood, you no longer have to think of this as actual “human flesh.” Instead, you can tell yourself you’re only dealing with “tissue samples” that seemingly have nothing to do with living, breathing human beings. And because most anti-preppers are also strong advocates of mass abortions, they already have the psychological skills to lie to themselves about what’s living vs. dead in the first place!
When things go wrong and you find yourself totally unprepared, it’s crucial to blame somebody else.
This is a skill set already possessed by Obama supporters, leftists and other ideological “victimology” experts who think nothing is ever their fault. (…essentially, every professor at a liberal arts university.)
When the stuff hits the fan and you have no food, no water, no internet, no silver coins, no cash, no medicine and no idea what just happened, the obvious answer is to blame the Tea Party.
If you can’t blame the Tea Party, find some white people to blame somewhere, preferably heterosexual macho males who own guns. It’s GOTTA be their fault, right? They own GUNS, for cryin’ out loud! And they act like MEN! (That’s just gotta be wrong at some level, doesn’t it?)
Never underestimate the power of begging. It’s a vital skill for anti-preppers to master for all the obvious reasons.
Not only do they have to beg the government for critical supplies; they also have to beg those who prepared to SHARE some supplies with them because they neglected to store supplies for themselves. (Yeah, they’re incredibly shortsighted and selfish, failing to do their part for self-reliance.)
When the stuff hits the fan, here’s how this conversation goes between an anti-prepper and a real prepper:
Rick the anti-prepper: Hey Bob, remember when you told me that I should store some food just in case something went wrong?
Bob the survivalist: Yeah, I do remember that.
Rick the anti-prepper: Well, heh heh, funny thing about that…
Bob the survivalist: Do tell. I’m bristling with anticipation.
Rick the anti-prepper: Well, I never really got around to storing any food, and I was wondering if you could share some of yours.
Bob the survivalist: So let me get this straight. You think that when I told you to store food for yourself, I was actually saying that I was going to store food for you?
Rick the anti-prepper: No, I just never got around to storing any food. I was busy, you know, with the backyard pool project.
Bob the survivalist: Well then, Rick, I suggest you eat your pool.
Rick the anti-prepper: That’s not very nice. It’s not polite to not share with your neighbors.
Bob the survivalist: I see. So because I spent money on storable food for my family instead of a swimming pool, you now think that I owe you a portion of my investment in preparedness food?
Rick the anti-prepper: Well, I didn’t see this coming. I didn’t know the grocery store shelves would be empty.
Bob the survivalist: Yes you did. In fact, I’m the one who told you that would happen, and you chose to buy a swimming pool instead.
Rick the anti-prepper: C’mon, man, I’m starving!
Bob the survivalist: Then eat that grass in your front lawn. It’s actually good for you, unless you sprayed it with herbicides.
Rick the anti-prepper: Alright, I didn’t want it to come to this, but if you don’t share your food, myself and some other guys from the neighborhood are going to come over and take it from you.
Bob the survivalist: And now the truth comes out, doesn’t it? Inside every anti-prepper liberal is a screaming totalitarian just waiting to get out. Good luck with that. Hope you stored some ammo.
When you realize you don’t have food, water or medicine, you can always start bartering the family heirlooms.
Gold and silver always have value, and if you’ve still somehow kept your hands on grandpa’s old ranch rifle, that’s probably worth more than gold at this point.
One important strategy for anti-preppers is to realize that since you’re probably an unethical, selfish, stupid person to begin with, you can start bartering your family jewelry even while they’re still alive! Who says granny needs to pass away before you trade her gold necklace for a meal, anyway, right? Just tell granny it’s “for a good cause.”
Dodging bullets is always a useful skill when you’re too stupid to own a gun and stock your own supplies in advance of the collapse. Instead of safely eating your own food, you’ll enjoy the fun of trying to trade, loot or steal food from others. And as it turns out, most of them are armed.
This is why it’s important to understand gun physics as explained in Hollywood movies. Hiding behind corners won’t protect you, because skilled shooters can put “spin” on bullets by curving their arms as they fire bullets, just like putting “English” on ping pong balls. This was proven in the movie “Wanted” which explains the real physics of curving bullets in this scientifically-accurate must-see movie clip:
To dodge these curved bullet paths, you need to learn how to run in the way moths fly, which are basically “chaos patterns” that deter predators. To achieve these, study moths for many hours until their movement becomes ingrained in your brain, then practice walking on busy sidewalks in New York City using the same movements. (You may notice some other people have already begun to practice this important skill using vehicles on various roads and highways, mostly around Los Angeles.)
Don’t laugh. This is a very important skill for anti-preppers to master for the simple reason that you’ll need to covertly move objects in and out of secure areas as part of your effort to acquire (and barter) lifesaving supplies.
It’s also a crucial skill to survive being robbed and mugged, since muggers usually don’t look in your rectum (unless they’re retired TSA agents, in which case they actually enjoy this sort of activity).
As an anti-prepper, you are all but defenseless against being mugged or robbed because you probably don’t own a gun and you think “guns are bad.” If guns are bad, then consider the fun of walking five miles with a bottle of prescription medications cached in your ass. (And repeating the trip several times, and hoping the bottle doesn’t break mid-stride…)
At some point, you will come to realize the value of high-density precious metals like gold. Gold has the advantage of carrying very high value in a very small physical space. In a collapsed society where hyperinflated cash is worthless, and the banks are all on “holiday,” the ability to carry a few gold coins in a place where muggers, TSA agents and government goons are unlikely to find it makes instant sense.
To practice the skill of caching gold in your rectum, start with dimes and pennies, then move your way up to nickels and quarters… and finally the Susan B. Anthony dollar. From there, you’re ready to stash some gold bullion!
Of course, you could also decide to avoid all this by just buying some gold and silver right now, along with a firearm to protect it, but anti-preppers don’t want to be bothered with such ideas… especially when anti-prepping skills for the chronically unprepared are so much fun to practice with friends! (As a fun magic trick for your drinking buddies, chew up and swallow a dollar bill, then crap out the exact change. They’ll be amazed!)
Although you may think this subject is crude and shouldn’t be discussed, it’s a bizarre fact of the global economy that BJs are the universal service barter item. If you don’t believe me, just ask anyone who has been in federal prison, an active war zone or the Hollywood movie industry.
BJ skills are going to be very important for non-preppers, because it’s the last-ditch barter item that’s portable and can’t be stolen from you. Be sure to stock up on Chapstick to soothe your lips and prevent all the chafing involved in securing a food supply for your entire family. Prepping is hard work! And it’s even harder when trying to prep AFTER the collapse when food is worth a fortune and there’s a surplus of starving people willing to trade BJs for supplies.
Note to the queasy: If you don’t want to trade BJs for food, then STORE SOME DAMN FOOD ALREADY and you won’t have to “earn” it the hard way.
In all seriousness, I hope this outrageous satire article has made an important point: It’s way easier to acquire prepping supplies and skills BEFORE it hits the fan than to have to earn, steal, or barter for such supplies the hard way.
It turns out that preparedness skills are far easier to practice than unpreparedness skills.
As a prepper, you and I are both probably really good at things like knowing how to sanitize and filter polluted water sources, how to disassemble firearms and how to raise our own food. Simultaneously, we are both probably really bad at looting stores, hiding things in our rectums and giving BJs for barter. Or at least I hope you’re not good at all those things!
The choice is yours. You can either become an expert in preparedness skills, or you can learn unpreparedness skills during an emergency. Trust me when I say you’re better off if you prepare the easy way, not the hard way. Either get off your ass right now, in other words, or learn how to use it for smuggling contraband some day.
Resources you need to monitor:
Check out our popular new content site Collapse.news.
To find near-real-time breaking news on any topic, search GoodGopher.com, the new search engine for truth seekers.